the ball is rollin

I finally got my passport back from the Austrian Consulate with my processed visa on it. After several weeks of worrying that I wasn't going to get it back in time to fly to Dresden, it felt really great to get the passport with that little sticker in it saying that I am allowed to stay in Austria for my semester. I was worried that I filled something out incorrectly or forgot to send something, but the whole thing turned out to be a lot smoother than I expected. With that out of the way, it's time to focus on Austria now. Not only am I going to Austria on January 12, I'm also leaving Iowa on that day. I know that seems like common sense, but they are two entirely different situations with two entirely different feelings that follow. Iowa is where I grew up, it's where my family is, it's where my friends are, it's where most of my life is. I've left before, but this time seems different. I'm going without anybody I know to a place I've never been. That part seems to be the same as the other times I've left. I think that the thing that is different is the state, not geographical but emotional, that I'm leaving. Since I've been back in Cedar Falls, things have changed. My eyes have opened to great things I never really recognized before. A lot of those great things are people, but they are also places, ideas, feelings that are alive in Cedar Falls. I once told a friend of mine that the reason I don't really like Cedar Falls is because I never really see any passion. I know, that's quite the statement, especially coming from a young guy who really has no room to talk, but it was how I felt. Over the past few weeks, though, I've seen passionate people throughout the town. My friends surprise me everyday with the things that manifest in their lives. I've also met several new people this semester whose presence in my life has affected me in a way I never expected. These people are two of my best friends, Molly and Bekah, and a man I met in a coffee shop. Strange, I met all three of them in that coffee shop. These three people seem to understand my crazy ways and thoughts in a way that not many people do. When I'm with any one of the three of them, I feel at home. I feel like they were placed in my life to help me live the life I am supposed to live. They constantly challenge me, encourage me, open my mind to new ideas, and help me remember that life is not worth living if it's not spent loving. I had to say goodbye to Molly yesterday. She was my first goodbye. Today, she is going to be spending her New Year's eve on a plane to Ireland where she'll be studying for the next semester. She was very hard to say goodbye to because she has been so influential in my life since we met. I'm going to miss her very much, but I'm excited to meet up with her in Paris. We'll always have Paris. Over the next 12 days, I expect to encounter many more goodbyes. I will have to leave the guys who have been my life for years. I'm going to have to leave my parents, my sisters, my beautiful niece Zoe. I will be leaving so much here in Iowa, but I am going to be going somewhere that is worth it. My friend Aaron Weiss talks about this feeling of leaving and going. He says, "From my left eye flow tears of joy, of sorrow from my right." And Ernesto de la Serna adds, "What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land." You see, every moment in our life is not simply one moment itself, rather it is an end and a beginning. Just like these two friends of mine say, there is happiness and sadness when moments get split like that. The hard part is choosing which feeling you want to let control your body. I choose the joyous feeling; the one of excitement for the future. I have a lot to look forward to with several weeks spent in YWAM Herrnhut and my studies in Klagenfurt, Austria. I'm not sure what I'll be doing yet in Herrnhut, Germany, but I'm excited to be back with YWAM. I'm only going to be there until the end of January because I start an intensive German course in Klagenfurt in February. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to get from Herrnhut to Klagenfurt, but that will work itself out later. More important to me than learning while I'm in Austria is experiencing the world. I want to learn more German, but I also want to see the beauties my eyes can't even dream of in Iowa. I want to see things like the Slovenian Alps, Irish countryside, Budapest baths, Vienna cafes, busy London roundabouts, and everything else I can't think of. The whole time I'm over there, I want to write what I see, feel, experience. I want to write about the exciting trips and the boring school days. I hope that you stick around to read what I post. It may not be that exciting for you, but I like to write for myself. Only 12 days left until I leave. The ball is rollin.

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” -jack kerouac

strangers

I met a man today when I went to get some coffee with Bekah. We were sitting on the couch, and he just so happened to place his Humanities textbook down on the table next to us. This was how we met. I asked him if he was a student or professor in the class. He answered by saying that he was trying to be the teacher. We talked for a brief bit, asking a lot of questions about his name, birthday, and classes. He answered them kindly with a smile on his face, and we both went back to what we were doing. It wasn’t long before Abbey sat down, so Bekah went over to the professor’s table to talk to him. As Abbey and I were talking about student teaching, I overheard Bekah describing people, places, and passions to our new friend. I didn’t hear much else of the conversation, but I knew it must be interesting if they were talking about something that I had previously told Bekah about. I actually got people, places, and passions from Mr. Svoboda in San Francisco. While I was there, I never really thought about what those words meant, but they seem to becoming clearer in my head as I learn more about myself in Cedar Falls. Abbey left to go to Orange Elementary School, so I went to sit with the professor and Bekah at the table. There conversation was, in fact, a very interesting one. I can’t remember what the exact topic was when I sat down, but I remember Bekah got up right when I sat down to go talk to Molly. I was left there, so I began to tell John about my experiences in San Francisco. He was stationed there near Hunters Point when he was in the Navy. I told him about my travels, and things seemed to go from there. Bekah came back to join us, and the conversation immediately took off. Over the course of 2 or 3 hours, the three of us talked about everything that has been going through my mind during the past few weeks. We talked about books, beliefs, demons, college, experiences, everything. The entire time, the professor treated Bekah and I as if we were all equals. Both of us thought that was extra special because it’s not often that an adult will sit and listen to two college students and hear them out with non-judgmental ears. Bekah and I started talking about spiritual warfare and original sin. The professor kept asking questions and telling stories. We talked about death, and each of us gave examples of God-moments in our own lives where it seems as if angels have stepped in briefly to save our lives. We talked about books like Steppenwolf, Brave New World, Screwtape Letters, and the Bible; each of these books being prevalent in our daily lives. The discussion was so amazing. All of us kept saying how we couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. It was as if God placed us there next to John on purpose. He was encouraging to us in ways that I have never experienced from anybody, let alone a university professor. He listened intently to everything I said, and he didn’t call me crazy. In fact, it seemed as if we had a lot of similar thoughts. I feel as if I’m describing the conversation unjustly because it was so good and filled with so many good things that I don’t know how to properly describe it. It was simply unbelievable. At the end of the talk, Bekah gave both John and me cards she had made for us; his being a happy birthday card and mine was sort of a thank you. It was sad to end the talk, but we had realized that our cars were definitely about to be towed because we were in two hour parking. After John left, Bekah and I could not get over how perfect everything seemed in that moment. We were two kids feeling more important than ever before. We planned on meeting with John again, but I don’t know if it can be like it was today. It was too perfect. Words from mewithoutYou and As Cities Burn are flying through my mind right now; words that aren’t my own, but ones that occupy my thoughts. These are thoughts about life and death, and the difference between living and existing. Some of my thoughts are questions that can never be answered, but that’s ok. As John reassured me today, some questions just can’t be answered here, and that’s ok.

Hello

This is my first post, ever. I've spent most of my life being opposed to blogs because thoughts are personal. They still are personal, but life cannot be lived alone. So here is my blog. One of my professors asked me today if I blog. When I got home, I decided that it was time to start, so people can here what I have to say, as if it's something important or interesting. Hopefully interesting to somebody. I guess I can start off with the only thing on my mind right now. It's an essay topic I've been thinking about recently: I am not a fish. Read it however you like. I think it's sort of autobiographical.

Not a real one at least. I may be a fish in the sense that I was once caught by a fisherman, but even then, was I ever caught or was I born into the fisherman's possession from day one? Did the fisherman claim me as his from the start? Did I have a choice? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I was caught, and I'm still caught. I'm not a fish though. I was just caught by somebody calling themselves a fisherman. I don't need a fish on my car to remind me or tell anybody else that I was caught. Shouldn't my actions tell them that? Not a metal symbol on the back of my car. I'm not judging people who put the fish on their car, I'm just saying that faith should be more than that symbol.
A friend of mine named Cody Bonnette once asked me, "If we are the body, how did a pretty man get so ugly?" What does that mean? It means that we are supposed to be who we say we are, or, in the case of the fish, who are cars say we are. So why do I get the stink eye when I say that I'm a liberal, or a vegetarian, or that I am anti-war? Why am I called crazy for thinking that evil people can change? Why do I have hope for a peaceful future? Isn't that what Jesus talked about? Was he a Republican? I don't think so, and I don't think he was a Democrat either. I think he had much bigger things on his mind than political parties. Things like eternal salvation? Life is more than who you vote for or who you hang out with. Life is more than what you eat or what translation of the Bible you read. Life is a gift with a purpose, which is hindered by meaningless arguments spawned from expectations created by fictitious members of society. It is an opportunity, and I know that I only get it once. Take advantage of it. Be yourself, be happy, be loving, be a little Jesus.
I'm not singling out people who eat meat, or call themselves conservative, or support the US war in Afghanistan. I'm singling about everybody. I'm singling about myself. Where do our beliefs come from? What have we grown to accept because it has been socially acceptable for too long? Maybe it's time that we throw out spoon-fed ideas. It's time to start living our own lives, our own Biblical lives mirroring Jesus' example. It's time to start seeking Truth to guide us through the day instead of something else. As long as we're following that Truth, who cares how we do it? I can be a socialist, vegetarian, who opposes guns, and reads the Message, and you can be whatever you like too. Just make sure you are following Jesus. What do I know, though? I make just as many mistakes as you do. I'm nowhere near perfect. I want to love Jesus, though. I want to show others that Jesus loves them too. My name is Thomas Michael David Panicucci, and I am not a fish.

I wrote that in a car ride home from Colorado a couple days ago. I hope it pushes you. I hope you feel challenged. By no means are these holy words, but I think that they were inspired.

So how was that for my first post? If at least one of you liked it, then it was worth it. I'll let you know more about me soon.

love life love God,
Thomas